VERY LATEST BUZZY PROJECT
(KUCR-DECEMBER)
BEGINS WITH ON-AIR
INTRODUCTION FOR PROFESSOR SALZ (THICK AND PHONEY GERMAN ACCENT). THERE WILL BE SOME
INTERRACTION WITH THE DJ, FOLLOWED BY A VERY DRY READ FROM KANT’S CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON.
(SUDDEN
TUMULT IN STUDIO, READING INERRUPTED)
(F/X-STRUGGLE,
CHAOS, BEAST ROARING)
(WHOOSH
OF AIR-WIND)
NARRATOR:
…and
next our Superhero strikes out again and again, flaying out with all his powers and might,
and ah, a telling blow resounds! And then another and another in a fall of reproof! How
can anything hold out against such an assault, the very sinews imbued and enlisted in the
service of Good! Ah! Vile blow! Foul, indifferent circumstance! The beast is not yet down,
it has yet to relinquish its embrace of wrath, it’s-
(FADES
INTO ANOTHER BOUT OF CHAOS, STRUGGLE AND ROARING)
(PROFESSOR
SALZ EMERGES PANTING)
Was?
Was was dat? If been safaged! Vere ist de
security here at dis college? I-I-it was Inferno in here! Ach, ja! Ahhhh! Was? Was you
say? Ah, if you call security..ja, ja, ja. I will try to read on…ja, ja…
(KANT
READING IS RESUMED)
(AGAIN
INTERRUPTED BY STRUGGLE, MASSIVE BLOW, SILENCE AND A BOUT OF GIBBERISH)
(WHOOSH
OF AIR)
NARRATOR:
…and
has now changed tactics, this cruel adversary of our hero! Ah, the cry, the bewildering,
debilitating cry! Our hero is stunned, that cry again, that blade thrust deeply into the
vitals of sanity! Many others had tried to blunt it…ah, if our hero can only contact
him, if only…
(CHAOS,
STRUGGLE AGAIN)
Vas keeps seizingk me!? Raus! Was ist
los vat happened..ach..I do not effen know mein Kant now…ach, ach!! ja……ja….another
moment of calm, ja. ..pleasure, a pleasure it is…ja…
(CHAOS,
STRUGGLE AGAIN)
NARRATOR:
…no,
no, it cannot be , Ladies and Gentlemen…not the blue funk ray. ..ah, even me, the
narrator falls under its vile effect..
(SCHOEPENHAUER
SONG)
When
you feel your Fortune quicken
When
you’re in Pleasure’s dominion
When
following the Will seems
Good
idea!
Someone
sees but delusion
Fancy
that must be undone
Call
Schoepenhauer!
Call
Schoepenhauer!
Now
you know Pain’s but diluted
Despair
only slightly muted
Blaring
revels are but
Quiet
Scream!
Now
you’ll heed him when he warns
All
this the crime of being born
Says
Schoepenhauer!
Says
Schoepenhauer!
(SONG
ENDS)
(PROFESSOR
SALZ EMERGES, EXHAUSTED)
Vas
keeps attackingk me? Madame, why don’t you call de autorities! Vat sort of college
ist dis? Ach! Ach! Was ist das? Bones, skins, monkeymen kommingk? Vaaaas-
(CHAOS
RESUMES, WITH MONKEY CRIES IN THE GALE)
NARRATOR:
..and
it seems that our superhero is failing, the disorientation, the affront of the blue funk
garbing him in havoc as the shrieking simians of
(SNATCH
OF CLASSICAL MUSIC SALVO-FADES)
(ROUSSEAU
SONG)
Hey
Cavemen,
Don’t
you know
Jean-Jacques
Rousseau
Says
your
Innocence
blotted not by vice!
Natural
man
Don’t
you know
Jean-Jacques
Rousseau
Says
your age
Might
yet do
With
the rise and ascent of Virtue!
Troglodyte
Don’t
you know
Jean-Jacques
Rousseau
Says
beware
Heed
the sign
When
a fenced-off patch is called ‘mine’!
Cro-Magnon
Don’t
you know
Jean-Jacques
Rousseau
Says
comes ruin
When
there’s need
Of
mathematics’ abetting greed!
Neanderthal
Don’t
you know
Jean-Jacques
Rousseau
Says
control
Civilization
Quickly
engenders corruption!
Jean-Jacques
Rousseau
Will
not show
Gone
natively
In
solitary reverie
Off
he goes
Jean-Jacques
Rousseau
Jean-Jacques
Rousseau!
(SONG
ENDS)
(A
BOUT OF SKEWED CLASSICAL FADES OVER MONKEY CRIES ALSO IN AUDIO DECLINE)
(PROFESSOR
SALZ EMERGES)
Monkeys,
fiolinz? Played terribly, nein! Gott im Himmel, ach du liber! I must flee, ach ja! I kann
nicht endure wat ist happeningk here, in dis studio filled with de most horrible tings!
(GIBBERISH
RETURNS-FADES IN AND OUT)
NARRATOR:
…another
blow administered, a swarm of vengeance coming thickly and fast bestowed upon the beast,
and-what! Ladies and Gentlemen, it is as there is nothing there..a strike..the beast
parts, rather than meets the blow and vanishes..and again..as though there’s nothing
there..nothing there…
(
We
all ask you what’s the matter
We
say long
You
say wrong
Also
short as our eyes gather
Aware!
All
the world’s a speech
Daily
pronounced by God
Mounts
and clouds but words
Substance
is a fraud!
We
all ask you what’s the matter
We
say hot
You
say not
Also
cold as our senses gather
Aware!
(SONG
ENDS)
(GIBBERISH)
(PROFESSOR
SALZ EMERGES EXHAUSTED)
Vere
ist mein protector here? DJ! Vy heff you not yet summoned assistance?! Vere ist ein
hilfe?! Vere?!
(WHOOSH
OF AIR)
NARRATOR:
…hits
and blast with pitiless, unending ferocity! But what is this, Ladies and Gentlemen? The color drains, our hero is falling…as
clouds shudder and sunbeams tremble…and the breeze comes as tempest!
(BREEZE
HAS RISEN TO ITS HEIGHT)
(HUME
SONG)
When
the wind turns to a tempest
And
a sword-blade levels promise
Strewing
doubt and accusation
Who
will now a voice give us?
David
Hume!
David
Hume!
Now
enlightening
Errors
frightening
Criticism
Skepticism
David
Hume!
David
Hume!
Who
will bind God in dotage
Assess
creation a blunder
Shaped
as cruel farce
Alone
worth awe and wonder
David
Hume!
David
Hume!
Now
enlightening
Errors
frightening
Criticism
Skepticism
David
Hume!
David
Hume!
(SONG
ENDS)
(SUDDEN
STOP TO TEMPEST)
(PROFESSOR
SALZ EMERGES EXHAUSTED)
Vas!
Vas! Now sturms und rein? How can you shtand dere DJ? Die elementz! Vas! Vat!
(THUNDER)
NARRATOR:
…and
our hero in his last gasps draws in the succor of survival! An idea follows in its train
Ladies and Gentlemen! Tendrils of will arise and unite, glow and-
(THUNDER)
(NIETZSCHE
SONG)
Nietzsche!
Nietzsche!
Lightning
flash from the cloud
Throttling
pity out aloud!
Nietzsche!
In
an act of Will’s triumph
Won
by Teuton thinker gruff!
Nietzsche!
Nietzsche!
Nietzsche!
So
thus now spake Zarathustra!
Nietzsche!
Seeker
of new Dionysos
Nietzsche!
Nietzsche!
Pagan
counterpart of Christos
Nietzsche!
Nietzsche!
A
god whose good must relent
Nietzsche!
Nietzsche!
Recuperating
as serpent
Nietzsche!
Nietzsche!
Nietzsche!
Ü-
Ber
Mann…
Once
marked out by Ahura
So
now thus spake Zarathustra!
Nietzsche!
(SONG
ENDS)
(THUNDER)
(PROFESSOR
SALZ EMERGES EXHAUSTED)
Vas!
Vas! Dere must be a reason for all dis! Ach..ja! Ach!
JA! I heff it! I can explain all dis! Ver ist dat book I brought? It’s Categorically
Imperative! Ein traum sein! Ein psychosis!
(BURST
OF CHAOS)
(KANT
SONG)
Under
Time’s drifts, centuries thick
From
beyond the bleak shores of the Baltic
Came
a writ and a theory that men had never heard
Critique of Pure Reason
laden
in word.
In
his parlor, a man sought Mind’s gain
Immanuel
Kant was his name
And
80 men tried and 80 men cried
As
they weep together left bereft of pride
10,
20, 30, 40, 50 or more
Tears
flow down the cheeks of sage and tutor
80
men cried with that book in hand
Trying
to understand Kant’s philosophic stand!
In
the nick of time, recognition arose
From
a funny looking German barely
He
read a chapter, seeking to comprehend
But
Kant bogged him down, teary again!
10,
20, 30, 40, 50 or more
Tears
flowed down the cheeks of sage and tutor
80
men cried with that book in hand
Trying
to understand Kant’s philosophic stand!
Now
this man had sworn that his mind advance
So
he cobbled theories into pseudo-science
And
he bound the Critique in ties of conjecture
Laming
the struggle where he wasn’t sure
And
though it seemed nothing but a quick fix
With
comprehension spun out of cloud of tricks
The
fog parted in a moment’s span
The
sun shining down, the world in his hands!
10,
20, 30, 40, 50 or more….
(SONG
ENDS)
(SILENCE)
PROFESOR
SALT:
I
don’t hear a ding! Ja! I hear nuting! Nuting! Ah, pseudo-science! Mein teory werks!
(MONTY
PYTHON SONG)
It
seems mein psuedo-science werks
Sveet
comprehension
It
mesters all de obstacles
Struggle
qvickly von!
Yimnastic
poderingks transfixed!
Anuter
conqvest!
It
seems mein mighty teory vins
Oberpoveringk
all de objections
Holds
dem dus in trall!
Gained
sure in unterstanding’s brawn!
Mein
position tall
Questions
smeshed
Mein
veaknwess passed
Anuter
conqvest!
Mein
ideas don your boots!
Don
your helmets!
Mein
teories sound all bugeltz!
Offensiv
commence!
March
rationed in assurance
As
knowledge blows!
Conqvest
flows!
Mein
ideas don your boots!
Offensiv
commence
Charge
irrefutable currents!
To
de Sorbonne!
Storm
de Zitadells
Onto
Clear
scholars cells!
Bind
dispute
Tie
discourse!
Und
deliffer it to disrepute!
Vanquish
Und
de
Iv’ry
tovers
Tumble
down in writ
To
Nietzsche-like hammerblows
Powder
de verld in discredited grit!
It
seems mein mighty teory vins!
Oberpoweringk
all de objections!
Holts
dem dus in trall
Gained
sure in unterstanding’s brawn
Mein
position tall
Qvestions
smeshed
Mein
veakness passed
Anuter
conqvest!
Mein
ideas don your boots
Don
your helmets
Und
den advance!
Mein-
(SONG
ENDS SUDDENLY)
(KARL
POPPER SONG)
Karl
Popper!
Karl
Popper!
Now
all sciences await you
And
the theory that you grew
With
hand to forehead
Revising
what was said
By
charlatan and fool!
Karl
Popper!
Karl
Popper!
Now
all said sciences await you
And
the demarcations that you drew!
Submit
to risk
Measuring
a disk
Or
a year’s fate of a Bull!
Get
us out
Of
this whopper
Karl
Popper!
All
our hopes are pinned upon you
And
the boundaries that you drew
Part
true science hence
From
pseudo-science
Change
their minds
Then
clink your steins!
Karl
Popper!
Karl
Popper
You’ve
done a whopper
Karl
Popper!
(SONG
ENDS)
(CONCLUDES
WITH DAFFY FÜHRER RANT
AND CRASH)
NARRATOR:
And
our hero, Popperman has thusly overcome his greatest adversary and challenge and saved the
world from the power of the evil Professor Salt! And away he flies, but whenever we
desperately need him again, rest assured he will be there, like an avenging bolt from
beyond Plato’s Republic.
Good
night and sleep tight, Ladies and Gentlemen!
(APPLAUSE)
(BANANA
SPLITS THEME TO END)
END
OF PROJECT
This site is copyright protected - all rights reserved
© 1998-2004 Buzzsaw Shavings / the Chi -chi foundation/ all rights reserved