VERY LATEST BUZZY PROJECT

(KUCR-DECEMBER)

Scenario-Script

 

BEGINS WITH ON-AIR INTRODUCTION FOR PROFESSOR SALZ (THICK AND PHONEY GERMAN ACCENT). THERE WILL BE SOME INTERRACTION WITH THE DJ, FOLLOWED BY A VERY DRY READ FROM KANT’S CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON.

Herr Kant.jpg (19485 bytes)

(SUDDEN TUMULT IN STUDIO, READING INERRUPTED)

(F/X-STRUGGLE, CHAOS, BEAST ROARING)

(WHOOSH OF AIR-WIND)

NARRATOR:

…and next our Superhero strikes out again and again, flaying out with all his powers and might, and ah, a telling blow resounds! And then another and another in a fall of reproof! How can anything hold out against such an assault, the very sinews imbued and enlisted in the service of Good! Ah! Vile blow! Foul, indifferent circumstance! The beast is not yet down, it has yet to relinquish its embrace of wrath, it’s-

(FADES INTO ANOTHER BOUT OF CHAOS, STRUGGLE AND ROARING)

(PROFESSOR SALZ EMERGES PANTING)

Was? Was was dat? If been  safaged! Vere ist de security here at dis college? I-I-it was Inferno in here! Ach, ja! Ahhhh! Was? Was you say? Ah, if you call security..ja, ja, ja. I will try to read on…ja, ja…

(KANT READING IS RESUMED)

(AGAIN INTERRUPTED BY STRUGGLE, MASSIVE BLOW, SILENCE AND A BOUT OF GIBBERISH)

(WHOOSH OF AIR)

NARRATOR:

…and has now changed tactics, this cruel adversary of our hero! Ah, the cry, the bewildering, debilitating cry! Our hero is stunned, that cry again, that blade thrust deeply into the vitals of sanity! Many others had tried to blunt it…ah, if our hero can only contact him, if only…

(CHAOS, STRUGGLE AGAIN)

Vas keeps seizingk me!? Raus! Was ist los vat happened..ach..I do not effen know mein Kant now…ach, ach!! ja……ja….another moment of calm, ja. ..pleasure, a pleasure it is…ja…

(CHAOS, STRUGGLE AGAIN)

NARRATOR:

…no, no, it cannot be , Ladies and Gentlemen…not the blue funk ray. ..ah, even me, the narrator falls under its vile effect..

 

(SCHOEPENHAUER SONG)

When you feel your Fortune quicken

When you’re in Pleasure’s dominion

When following the Will seems

Good idea!

Someone sees but delusion

Fancy that must be undone

Call

Schoepenhauer!

Call

Schoepenhauer!

 

Now you know Pain’s but diluted

Despair only slightly muted

Blaring revels are but

Quiet Scream!

Now you’ll heed him when he warns

All this the crime of being born

Says

 Schoepenhauer!

Says

Schoepenhauer!

(SONG ENDS)

 

(PROFESSOR SALZ EMERGES, EXHAUSTED)

Vas keeps attackingk me? Madame, why don’t you call de autorities! Vat sort of college ist dis? Ach! Ach! Was ist das? Bones, skins, monkeymen kommingk? Vaaaas-

(CHAOS RESUMES, WITH MONKEY CRIES IN THE GALE)

NARRATOR:

..and it seems that our superhero is failing, the disorientation, the affront of the blue funk garbing him in havoc as the shrieking simians of Surabaya advance! All will be lost for our hero if he cannot with the last resource of mind flick out his hidden reserve of white wig powder at them-

(SNATCH OF CLASSICAL MUSIC SALVO-FADES)

 

(ROUSSEAU SONG)

Hey Cavemen,

Don’t you know

Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Says your Eden’s

Paradise

Innocence blotted not by vice!

 

Natural man

Don’t you know

Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Says your age

Might yet do

With the rise and ascent of Virtue!

 

Troglodyte

Don’t you know

Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Says beware

Heed the sign

When a fenced-off patch is called ‘mine’!

 

Cro-Magnon

Don’t you know

Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Says comes ruin

When there’s need

Of mathematics’ abetting greed!

 

Neanderthal

Don’t you know

Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Says control

Civilization

Quickly engenders corruption!

 

Philosophes

Don’t you know

Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Will not show

Gone natively

In solitary reverie

Off he goes

Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Jean-Jacques Rousseau!

(SONG ENDS)

(A BOUT OF SKEWED CLASSICAL FADES OVER MONKEY CRIES ALSO IN AUDIO DECLINE)

(PROFESSOR SALZ EMERGES)

Monkeys, fiolinz? Played terribly, nein! Gott im Himmel, ach du liber! I must flee, ach ja! I kann nicht endure wat ist happeningk here, in dis studio filled with de most horrible tings!

(GIBBERISH RETURNS-FADES IN AND OUT)

NARRATOR:

…another blow administered, a swarm of vengeance coming thickly and fast bestowed upon the beast, and-what! Ladies and Gentlemen, it is as there is nothing there..a strike..the beast parts, rather than meets the blow and vanishes..and again..as though there’s nothing there..nothing there…

 

(BERKELEY SONG)

 

Berkeley!

Berkeley!

We all ask you what’s the matter

We say long

You say wrong

Also short as our eyes gather

Aware!

Berkeley says nothing there!

 

All the world’s a speech

Daily pronounced by God

Mounts and clouds but words

Substance is a fraud!

 Berkeley!

Berkeley!

 

We all ask you what’s the matter

We say hot

You say not

Also cold as our senses gather

Aware!

Berkeley says nothing there!

Berkeley says nothing there!

(SONG ENDS)

 

(GIBBERISH)

(PROFESSOR SALZ EMERGES EXHAUSTED)

Vere ist mein protector here? DJ! Vy heff you not yet summoned assistance?! Vere ist ein hilfe?! Vere?!

(WHOOSH OF AIR)

NARRATOR:

…hits and blast with pitiless, unending ferocity! But what is this, Ladies and Gentlemen?  The color drains, our hero is falling…as clouds shudder and sunbeams tremble…and the breeze comes as tempest!

(BREEZE HAS RISEN TO ITS HEIGHT)

(HUME SONG)

 

When the wind turns to a tempest

And a sword-blade levels promise

Strewing doubt and accusation

Who will now a voice give us?

David Hume!

David Hume!

Now enlightening

Errors frightening

Criticism

Skepticism

David Hume!

David Hume!

 

Who will bind God in dotage

Assess creation a blunder

Shaped as cruel farce

Alone worth awe and wonder

 

David Hume!

David Hume!

Now enlightening

Errors frightening

Criticism

Skepticism

David Hume!

David Hume!

(SONG ENDS)

 

(SUDDEN STOP TO TEMPEST)

(PROFESSOR SALZ EMERGES EXHAUSTED)

Vas! Vas! Now sturms und rein? How can you shtand dere DJ? Die elementz! Vas! Vat! Va-

(THUNDER)

NARRATOR:

…and our hero in his last gasps draws in the succor of survival! An idea follows in its train Ladies and Gentlemen! Tendrils of will arise and unite, glow and-

(THUNDER)

(NIETZSCHE SONG)

Nietzsche!

Nietzsche!

Lightning flash from the cloud

Throttling pity out aloud!

Nietzsche!

In an act of Will’s triumph

Won by Teuton thinker gruff!

Nietzsche!

Nietzsche!

Nietzsche!

So thus now spake Zarathustra!

 

Nietzsche!

Seeker of new Dionysos

Nietzsche!

Nietzsche!

Pagan counterpart of Christos

Nietzsche!

Nietzsche!

A god whose good must relent

Nietzsche!

Nietzsche!

Recuperating as serpent

Nietzsche!

Nietzsche!

Nietzsche!

 

Ü-

Ber

Mann…

Once marked out by Ahura

So now thus spake Zarathustra!

Nietzsche!

(SONG ENDS)

(THUNDER)

(PROFESSOR SALZ EMERGES EXHAUSTED)

Vas! Vas! Dere must be a reason for all dis! Ach..ja! Ach! JA! I heff it! I can explain all dis! Ver ist dat book I brought? It’s Categorically Imperative! Ein traum sein! Ein psychosis!

(BURST OF CHAOS)

(KANT SONG)

 

Under Time’s drifts, centuries thick

From beyond the bleak shores of the Baltic

Came a writ and a theory that men had never heard

Critique of Pure Reason laden in word.

 

In his parlor, a man sought Mind’s gain

Immanuel Kant was his name

And 80 men tried and 80 men cried

As they weep together left bereft of pride

10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more

Tears flow down the cheeks of sage and tutor

80 men cried with that book in hand

Trying to understand Kant’s philosophic stand!

 

In the nick of time, recognition arose

From a funny looking German barely Berlin knows

He read a chapter, seeking to comprehend

But Kant bogged him down, teary again!

 

10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more

Tears flowed down the cheeks of sage and tutor

80 men cried with that book in hand

Trying to understand Kant’s philosophic stand!

 

Now this man had sworn that his mind advance

So he cobbled theories into pseudo-science

And he bound the Critique in ties of conjecture

Laming the struggle where he wasn’t sure

 

And though it seemed nothing but a quick fix

With comprehension spun out of cloud of tricks

The fog parted in a moment’s span

The sun shining down, the world in his hands!

 

10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more….

(SONG ENDS)

(SILENCE)

PROFESOR SALT:

I don’t hear a ding! Ja! I hear nuting! Nuting! Ah, pseudo-science! Mein teory werks!

(MONTY PYTHON SONG)

 

It seems mein psuedo-science werks

Sveet comprehension

It mesters all de obstacles

Struggle qvickly von!

Yimnastic poderingks transfixed!

Anuter conqvest!

It seems mein mighty teory vins

Oberpoveringk all de objections

Holds dem dus in trall!

Gained sure in unterstanding’s brawn!

Mein position tall

Questions smeshed

Mein veaknwess passed

Anuter conqvest!

Mein ideas don your boots!

Don your helmets!

Mein teories sound all bugeltz!

Offensiv commence!

March rationed in assurance

As knowledge blows!

Conqvest flows!

Mein ideas don your boots!

Offensiv commence

Charge irrefutable currents!

To de Sorbonne!

Storm de Zitadells

Onto Oxford

Clear scholars cells!

Bind dispute

Tie discourse!

Und deliffer it to disrepute!

Vanquish Berkeley

Und de Left Bank slay!

Iv’ry tovers

Tumble down in writ

To Nietzsche-like hammerblows

Powder de verld in discredited grit!

It seems mein mighty teory vins!

Oberpoweringk all de objections!

Holts dem dus in trall

Gained sure in unterstanding’s brawn

Mein position tall

Qvestions smeshed

Mein veakness passed

Anuter conqvest!

Mein ideas don your boots

Don your helmets

Und den advance!

Mein-

(SONG ENDS SUDDENLY)

(KARL POPPER SONG)

 

Karl Popper!

Karl Popper!

Now all sciences await you

And the theory that you grew

With hand to forehead

Revising what was said

By charlatan and fool!

 

Karl Popper!

Karl Popper!

Now all said sciences await you

And the demarcations that you drew!

Submit to risk

Measuring a disk

Or a year’s fate of a Bull!

 

Get us out

Of this whopper

Karl Popper!

All our hopes are pinned upon you

And the boundaries that you drew

Part true science hence

From pseudo-science

Change their minds

Then clink your steins!

 

Karl Popper!

Karl Popper

You’ve done a whopper

Karl Popper!

(SONG ENDS)

(CONCLUDES WITH DAFFY FÜHRER RANT AND CRASH)

NARRATOR:

And our hero, Popperman has thusly overcome his greatest adversary and challenge and saved the world from the power of the evil Professor Salt! And away he flies, but whenever we desperately need him again, rest assured he will be there, like an avenging bolt from beyond Plato’s Republic.

Good night and sleep tight, Ladies and Gentlemen!

(APPLAUSE)

(BANANA SPLITS THEME TO END)

 

END OF PROJECT

This site is copyright protected - all rights reserved

© 1998-2004 Buzzsaw Shavings / the Chi -chi foundation/ all rights reserved

BACK